I have resisted the impulse as much as possible to jump on the Harry Potter Bandwagon(s). In the deep hours of the night I have agonized over the question, "What house would I be in at Hogwarts?"
Then I remember I was raised Seventh Day Adventist, and no self respecting SDA boy, or girl, would go anywhere near a school who has the name of a source of Pork in it.

In a recent newsletter, Battle Cry, put out by Chick Publications, (A well meaning newsletter who has the deepest interest of my soul at heart, probably not to mention my pocketbook as well. But wait, that couldn't be because as we all know, money is the root of all evil- Ah George and Abe, did you know your souls would be lost when your pictures appeared on our currency?"). However, I digress. This errr ... worthy? ... newsletter speaks about the evils of the Naughty boy Harry Potter. Here is a quote from that esteemed newsletter from the tradition of yellow journalism.

"So Harry Potter, born wizard, raised by dull, useless, boring, relatives (who resemble fundamentalist Christians) attends an exciting school for wizards where he learns that power is the ultimate moral choice, irrespective of good or evil."

Harry you ungreatfull wretch! Chick Publication is right. You should be greatfull to your relatives who had the decency to make you a room in the small space under the stairs. We all know that Child Protective Services would consider this as a clear cut case of child abuse, but you know how those stuffy Government Agencies are, conspiring constantly to erode the good moral fiber of upstanding parents. Spare the rod, spoil the child! It is better to bash your children's heads against the stones than let them be exposed to the influences of evil. THAT'S the kind of book you should be reading. Stay in that closet, eat those scraps, stay uneducated, let your family beat the crap out of you, they are older and therefore wiser than you. Why the very foundation of Fundamentalism is your life blood. Live miserably, die unhappy, hate everyone who is different than you..they are all damned anyways, burn those ungodly bookstores (people inside are just minor details..don't worry about them). All you have to do is go on television in front of your church, cry and say you are sorry and all will be well. You will go back to your space under the stairs and live happily ever after.

Oh Harry! You did it now. You put on that very, very evil hat. You know the one, that nasty hat that let you choose what and who you wanted to be. My God Harry! It actually let you make your own choice! Well this won't do at all. Where will it stop? You should have picked Slytherin, they are the good ones really, the rest of the houses only pretend to be good. And there is that Hagrid person, you know the one. Long hair, beard, drives a motorcycle...you know the one. He is different than everyone else.---> A burst of song intrudes upon the serene thoughts of the author.

"The sign said, long hair freaky people need not apply. So I tucked it up under my hat and walked inside to ask them why. The man said you look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you'll do. So I took of my hat and said, imagine that, me working for you. Sign! Sign! Everywhere a Sign!!......"

Sorry for the interruption folks, those songs were supposed to be played backwards but my contrary nature made them play forward in my head. What a novel concept!!! Playing records the correct way! But enough about me, let's get back to Harry. Knowledge is power, that's an evil thought Harry. How can you have knowledge and be moral at the same time? It just don't work. You get a silly notion in your head, like that round world idea, and the next thing you know you're rocking the boat and we all fall over the edge. What arrogance to think we revolve around the sun, or that women should vote. Just look at what happened, someone burns their bras and now they are my boss. GASP!!

Oh Harry, Harry. All is lost. You are Happy now, content. What happened to that little boy we all beat..errr...I mean loved(you know we kept you under the stairs because we loved you), who cowered and cried at our whim. Now look at you, you are standing up and fighting evil, you know Harry my boy, he who must not be named is really a good guy. Look at you though, fighting evil all by yourself, well not really you have friends helping you. What deplorable friends, they help you and care about you. You can't have friends like that Harry, they read books you know. When you go to the library and read books with the half blooded girl, you know she will get pregnant if you sit too close to her.

Well Chick, it looks like you are indeed a wise man. Harry Potter definitely teaches us evil things. Lord knows I don't want my child growing up to be able and stand up for what he thinks is right, to have good friends, a loving family, the intelligence beyond a piece of cardboard. Tsk! Tsk! Those are deplorable things. I should just get out those black and tan shirts and pants, black boots and that interesting arm band which has that funny looking 'Z' on it. You know, short cropped moustaches will one day be in fashion too. Ah, I long for the good old days....